The Small Hadron Boobie Smasher
Yep, tomorrow’s the day. At 9 o’clock in the morning, unless the laws of the universe conspire to have a major fail, or the bus is late, I will appear at my health fund’s radiology unit for the annual smashing of the boobies. You may wish to avert your eyes or hurriedly acquire protective eyewear.
Listen, I can either choose to approach this subject with black humor or be deadly serious. My mother’s younger sister was taken by juvenile leukemia while in her 70′s. My mother developed breast cancer in her 70′s (Me: “Mom, that lump is the size of a quail’s egg!” Mom (Minnesotan to the core): “Well, it doesn’t hurt!” If you’re wondering, my mom lived into her 80′s and died of complications due to pneumonia.) My other aunt, my mother’s other sister, developed breast cancer in her 70′s. Statistically speaking, things for me and mine aren’t looking too rosy. If you know me, then you’ll know I prefer black humor. But I digress…
Inevitably, once the smashing has been completed and I’ve sat sufficiently long in the waiting room watching the other fidgety women around me waiting for their turn at the boobie smasher, the interpreting doktor will emerge from a small office with a suitably grim look on his face, call me aside and say, “Now that we’ve smashed them, we need to smear cold gel on them (you may feel like you’ve been slimed) and run a sonic gun over them. Maybe later we’ll poke them with needles.” Just thinking about this will make the fibroid cysts in my breasts swell to the size of meatballs. That should be fun. [At this point in my life, I can hardly wait for menopause for the cysts to finally disappear (fingers crossed).]
If I’m still standing after all this, I will compensate myself with a foray to my favorite yarn shop, which is conveniently located right across the street from the clinic. After all, I’m worth it.
If you haven’t yet done so this year, take a moment now, find the phone number of your health clinic or doktor and make an appointment to get your boobies smashed. Then call your girlfriends to do the same. They’ll thank you for it.